dead weight

For some reason I have this unhealthy attachment to my hair.

Yes. I know that is crazy but I do. I will cry in my car after I get a haircut if it does not turn out exactly how I envisioned it. I am a perfectionist and I know that hair is hair and it grows but that doesn’t matter to me. If I am getting it done, I want it right the first time.

I guess you could say it is like my security blanket in a ways. I have a bad habit of constantly playing with it or adjusting it. Although, I am so lazy when it comes to washing it and will wait days to wash it. Growing up I never stopped hearing how beautiful my hair is by hair stylists or how pretty it was when I let my friends braid it. So when it comes to cutting my hair, for whatever reason, it scares me.

I am the type of person to go months without a trim just because I am terrified they will mess up my hair. I have no clue why I am like this, I am constantly looking up different ways to cut my hair but I can never seem to get around to making an appointment. Which makes no sense since I am usually coloring or highlighting my hair a new color every other week.

But I feel as if it is finally time to cut off some dead weight. Literally. My life is continuing to change for the better and I feel as if I need to make that a physical statement. I do not know why a shorter do is the answer but it just seems like the right one right now. I spent weeks and weeks searching pinterest and instagram for something that I actually liked. Needless to say I discovered that I am very picky. One day I finally found it. I came across instagram famous hairstylist who posted a choppy bob (which are very in at the moment) and actually liked it. I could see myself getting it done and not balling my eyes out afterwards. Which is something I typically do if my haircut does not come out  I feel like it will help me not hide behind my hair and be more confident in myself.

So here’s to cutting off dead weight.

“Healthy”

Mental health is just as important as physical health. I will admit that I do not take my mental health as serious as I should. I tend to brush off that what I feel and experience is not normal and that I should reach out for help.

Several years ago I was put on many medications for my anxiety and panic attacks.  Me being the stubborn person I am linked it to the relationship I was in. I thought that I was feeling the way I was and being so anxious all the time was because of him.  I was wrong. Over a year later I still feel the same way and nothing is getting better.

My mom constantly pushes me to go to the doctor and talk to her about what I am feeling and what I should do.

Honestly, I am in denial. I do not want to go and hear what she has to say. If she has anything to say to begin with. I know I need to do this and get myself in a healthier state of mind. I am a pretty big naturalist and try to stick to alternative medicine but I feel like at this point in my life I need a little more help.

Even though I am scared and I hoping that this path will help me in the ling run.

I guess I’m an adult now?

With graduation quickly approaching I have started to rethink my entire life.

Yes, that may sound overdramatic but my anxiety thinks otherwise. I question a lot of things that I have done even though I know that I will be fine and that I have come a long way since I started college. I wonder if the friendships I have made over the past four years were right. If I should have picked a different major. If my major is something that will help bring me a good career in the future.

I sit here with Quizlet open and my notes flooded my bed as I study for my first test of the semester. I pray every night that I get through this semester so I can strut across that stage and make my parents proud. They have done everything for my brothers and me so that we would have the chance to go to college since they did not. I know that this will be worth it in the end but for now I just pray I keep my sanity until I get there.

UPDATE

Wow.

After reading my old posts that are all I can say right now. I debated on deleting them all and starting fresh but I don’t think I will. I have certainly taken a break from posting and you can tell. It has been over a year since I have written and my life has definitely changed (for the better). I think it will be a good contrast to my old self versus the person I have become.

I remember when I was worried about boys and what my life would be without them and I can tell you that I did not need any of them. I use to make myself sick trying to be the girl they wanted. I would change myself to fit their mold and that was not healthy. They did help me learn that I am worth a lot more than I thought I was and I am so glad for that. I would never think to change the way I dress or tone down my personality now. I have learned that I deserved someone who likes me for me, not some watered down version.

I am too good of a person to alter who I am.

That is something I will never forget. Before I was okay with getting walked over or being ignored. I thought that in order for them to stay and for them to like me was for them to do whatever without getting upset. And wow I was wrong. Now I am a whole other person, I’m not nervous about what they will like me or cautious of being myself. I know I have a strong personality and I may be intimidating to some but that is okay. I don’t need to change myself because someone does not like it.

I am happy and content with being single. It is relaxing, I don’t have to worry about anyone else. I can do whatever without worrying about them asking if I have any plans. I can be a homebody and binge watch Netflix. I can be selfish and I love that. Yeah, that probably sounds bad but I have always had couples who told me to enjoy being alone while it lasted. And now I am looking at bettering myself. I take time every day to do yoga and learn how to move my body in a new way. I like being able to hop on the mat and do things I would have never thought I could have done before.

I am looking forward to finishing this school year and becoming someone who is proud of herself and does things that will better her to become the person she wants to be. It does get a little stressful at times when I think about how I will be on my own in a few months but I am ready for this new step in my life.

-Makenzie